This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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