i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
When are your genitals available?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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