Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
