do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
