We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
