He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
