Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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