You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
