Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
This toilet bowl is my home.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
