a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
