I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
