the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
