This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
