Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
