Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
