if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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