Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
