She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
