I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
