alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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