In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
