I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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