Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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