I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He better not be in your backpack
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
