____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
