Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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