the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
