He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
