Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
