I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
