On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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