the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
