Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
