You just made me feel so damn special
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
