fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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