if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
