so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
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I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
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Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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