I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Randomize
