he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
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Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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