just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
