Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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