Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
