It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
