My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
