marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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