Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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