Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
