I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
