batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
