I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
