there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
