and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You have to summon your inner elephant
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
