my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
