I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
