He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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