The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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