There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
